


Remembrance

by SilveryxDark



Series: I'LL the Toraga Lovechild 'verse [4]
Category: Alice Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe, Heavy Angst, M/M, Parenthood, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 14:56:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2777309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilveryxDark/pseuds/SilveryxDark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years since Saga passed away. Tora visits the site where he scattered Saga's ashes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembrance

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise in advance for any tears and pain this may cause you, if my friends' reactions to this fic are anything to go by. I'm so, so sorry for killing off Saga D:
> 
> Anyway I wrote this because for some incredibly masochistic reason or other, I started thinking about an alternate universe of the I'LL lovechild AU... so um. And then I began writing this fic last Friday morning, finished it that day, let 2 friends read it, and finally decided to post it tonight.
> 
> I promise I'll write more fluffy happy stuff soon!! They're in the works, I swear :'D

It’s a breezy day, with wind blowing through the trees and white clouds dotting the blue, blue sky. The sun still peeks out though, its light warm and inviting. All in all, it would be a perfect day.

It would be. It could be.

It’s not.

Tora sits on the rocks, gazing out at the calm cerulean sea. He’s alone, this time. Nao, Shou and Hiroto have taken his children down to the sandy shores of the beach, giving him his space. He’s thankful for that.

He looks at the wedding ring on his finger, and then its twin around his neck, both as brilliant as they were on the day Tora and Saga married over ten years ago. They would have celebrated their tenth year together, a month ago. They would have celebrated the twins’ ninth birthday in two weeks, and Airu’s seventh in a month.

They would have, together. Not alone, like Tora has been for three years.

As much as he hates it, the memories of those last months force themselves to the forefront of his mind. Saga’s collapse on stage. The diagnosis. The battle. The tears and anger and helplessness. Miyu, Yumi and Airu were so confused and scared. Tora could barely hold himself together either, and it was all he could do to try to protect their children, too. The fans were scared and upset, and Shou, Hiroto and Nao were similarly heartbroken.

Somehow, Saga still managed to smile, at the end. “Be happy, okay, love? And take care of the children. They need you,” he’d said, voice thready.

"I need you," Tora had replied, tears streaming down his face, grasping Saga’s bone-thin hand, the skin papery white.

"I’m sorry. I love you, Tora. I’ll always be right here. I love you," Saga had whispered.

Tora had looked at him in the eye, hazel meeting brown for the last time. “I love you, too.”

Saga had smiled, then. “Tora,” he had breathed, fingers caressing Tora’s lips.

Tora watched as the light in Saga’s eyes faded, eyelids fluttering shut, fingers falling from his mouth. And then - and then -

The days afterwards were dark and empty, the bleakest void he had ever known. He had told himself to be strong for his children, and yet it was so difficult, grappling with Saga’s death as both a husband and father. He tried to explain to their children that Papa wasn’t coming back, especially to Airu, all of four years old and utterly confused, not knowing where Papa was and why everyone was so sad. Yumi and Miyu understood better, older as they were, but even they could not stop their tears, the pleas for their Papa to come back home.

Tora could barely come to terms with the fact that never again would he wake up next to Saga, press a kiss to soft lips that curled into a smile against his, feel the warmth of his body as they embraced, spend the day in the kitchen or in the living room or in the studio or on stage, together. Never again would they be together, and for many, many days after Saga’s death, Tora woke up gasping and afraid, finding his bed empty. He’d switch on the television to find Saga’s favourite dramas playing, flip through the newspapers to see Saga’s favourite football team featured, cook an extra portion for Saga, or call out and realise that… No. He was not there. He never would be again.

Tora thinks he would have died, too, if their children weren’t there. Yumi and Miyu tried to be strong for him, and Airu - he was still trying to come to terms with his missing Papa, then. Tora’s thankful, too, for his bandmates’ constant guidance and care. If not… He wouldn’t know what to do.

"How are you, up there?" Tora whispers at last, smiling wearily. "I hope you’re fine. You must be playing with Chiko up there, too."

He looks at the sky, fingers on the ring. “I’m… fine. It’s been three years. I miss you. I always miss you. I still find myself at a loss when I wake up and you aren’t there. I don’t think it ever goes away.”

He looks back out at the sea. He remembers how he scattered Saga’s ashes at this very spot, as per his wishes. So he could travel the world and be with all the fans he loved, he said. Saga was always so full of love. The sea today is as calm as Saga always was, waves gently lapping at the shore, where happy families are playing together. Saga was always gentle, bringing laughter and joy to everyone he knew.

_You gave me everything_ , Tora thinks.

"Miyu and Yumi are a handful, as usual," Tora says quietly, smiling as he thinks of his two oldest. "They’re always playing pranks and teasing Airu. Well, except that once it was Yumi and Airu. And the other day Miyu thought it’d be funny to put a spider in my bathroom. Couldn’t step in there for a while. They’re really good at school though, even if I get called up once in a while when the two of them go a bit overboard."

Almost as if on cue, he hears the sound of his children and bandmates laughing. He looks out to see Airu on Nao’s shoulders, while Yumi and Miyu giggle and play in the sand, with Shou and Hiroto chasing them. Tora bites back a sob as he remembers a similar scene, years ago, with Saga, and his children younger than they are now.

"Airu… Airu takes a lot after you," Tora says softly, after calming down. "He’s quiet and gentle and sweet. And he most definitely isn’t scared of insects, not like me. He’s very smart, too, you know? But he’s been influenced by his siblings, definitely. He’s got times where he’s the one playing pranks, but you wouldn’t know it from the look of him."

Tora feels his throat constrict and tears sting his eyes. He didn’t know how much it could still hurt.

The wound still feels raw and open. Just when he thinks he might be healing, this day comes round once more and he feels like his heart’s been torn open, again.

“I really miss you,” Tora whispers. “I wish - every day - I wish you hadn’t gone. I love you so much. But you told me… to be happy. I don’t know if I can. But I’m trying. I hope that’s enough. For you, I hope that’s enough.”

He lets the tears flow. He’s not sure for how long. But again he hears their children laughing, and looks down to see Airu, Miyu and Yumi having some sort of competition, to see who can bury Nao’s, Hiroto’s and Shou’s legs in the sand the fastest.

They’re all laughing.

He can imagine Saga laughing and playing along. Maybe he’d be the judge. Maybe he’d help Airu, the smallest of them. Or his little princess, Yumi. Or his oldest boy, Miyu. All three, probably. He was always fair.

Tora feels a smile forming on his lips. Slowly, he stands up, and lifts the chain with Saga’s ring, pressing a kiss to it. Then he lets it fall back against his chest and, slowly, steadily, he makes his way down to his family.


End file.
